Movie Reviews: The House of Mirth
The following is a review of The House of Mirth written by myself (Carly). Part of it is a chat with Jane where I complained about this movie (and then the subject changed, as it usually does). So Jane's involved too, as usual (did you expect anything else?).
Ok. Let me explain something first. When I first heard about The House of Mirth I was a little skeptical. I seriously hate period pieces. Like, a lot. But this one got a lot of good reviews, it was fairly "independent," and Gillian Anderson was getting lots of praise for her portrayal of Lily Bart, the main character. So when it finally was in the theater near me, I decided I wanted to see it. But it was there for like, a week or so, so I never got to go. So I bitched and moaned about how I didn't get to see "such a great movie."
DON'T I FEEL STUPID NOW!! This movie was ridiculous. Too many characters (whose names I couldn't remember), a slow-moving story, and a boring, convoluted plot. What. Ev. Er. Ok, perhaps I wasn't really paying attention, and it's my own fault that I had no idea what was going on in this movie. Fine. Let it be my fault. I'm sure there are some people out there who loved this movie. Good for them; I am not one of them. And I really tried to give this movie a chance. I just couldn't handle it. The scenery and whatnot was nice, and Gillian Anderson did give a good performance, but the movie was just too much. And did I mention that it was really long? I got 70 boring minutes into it, and went to check the back of the box to see how much more suffering I had left. And guess how long the fucker is. 140 minutes. At that point, I was only halfway through. I almost cried. Then I began the below conversation. As you can see, I resorted to our old method of fast-forwarding through shitty movies and trying to guess what was happening. This movie is so slow-paced that when I was fast-forwarding through the entire second half, it looked as if it was going at normal speed. Ugh. I don't know how it ends, and I don't really care. If you told me, I probably wouldn't understand how it fit into the "storyline" anyway. Oh, and it's based on an Edith Wharton novel. Whatever. I've never read anything by her, and I don't plan on starting now.
So here is my gist of the plot: Gillian Anderson (who always looked pained in this movie, like she's about to cry) is in love with Eric Stoltz (why??), but he doesn't love her. He's charming, but a jerk. Every other guy on the planet (or where ever they were ... New York? England? Where was this set? I know it was the early 1900s, but that's all the information I've got.) wants her. She desperately wants to get married, cause that's what ladies did back then, but she doesn't want any of these guys. "These guys" are played by Dan Aykroyd, Anthony Lapaglia (oh, Joe from "Empire Records," why are you in this movie??), and this guy who looked a lot like the Duke from "Moulin Rouge" (I just checked ... it is indeed NOT him. Thank you, IMDb, for dashing all my hopes and dreams. Oh, no, wait, they were already gone, thanks in no small part to this crappy film.). The entire time, I thought that Laura Linney and Dan Aykroyd were married, but it turns out (thank you once again, IMDb) that they weren't. So I really had no idea what was going on. Whatever. There was an old lady, Lily's aunt, who was really mean and ugly. And Lily had gambling debts. That's all I know. If you're so damn curious, go rent it yourself. I don't recommend that, though.
Carly: Dude, why does "The House of Mirth" suck so much? Like, ok, I went into this movie already hating period pieces, but I heard only good things about this movie.
Jane: I don't know, man. My mom and sister were looking forward to it, and they thought the same thing.
Carly: Jeez. Ok, first of all, it's long as hell. I was like, "oh, I'm 70 minutes into it ... I wonder how long it is." Yeah, it's 140 minutes long.
Jane: That sucks. It's like double chem, or something.
Carly: I know!
Jane: Something excrutiating like that.
Carly: And there's no Smokey for entertainment either :) And second, I cant remember anyone's names, so I have no idea who anyone is talking about. Like, who is Bertha? Is Laura Linney Bertha? I know Gillian Anderson is Lily. Who are Eric Stoltz and Dan Aykroyd?
Jane: Yeah, they said it dragged, and it made very little sense.
Carly: Yeah I agree. I'm about to turn this off but I have some odd sense of loyalty to it, like I have to finish it. Ooh! I'll watch the 2nd half in fast-forward! Yeah!
Jane: Haha. Good plan.
Carly: Indeed, it is. Now I can say I finished watching it. Now, wait, who is this other woman? Aarrg! Why are there so many characters? Is she making a hat? Oh, well now she's crying. This is stupid. Dude, the ice cream man is outside! I just heard the music. Hahaha. Ooh, now she's crying to Eric Stoltz. Don't waste your time on him, honey, he's just gonna end up with the lesbian drummer, Watts. Oh, wait, wrong movie. Haha. Ooh, it's over!!!
Jane: Yay.
Carly: Yaaaaaay! Goodbye "House of Mirth", you shit-house of a movie.
Jane: Did you watch "Bottle Rocket?"
Carly: Not yet, perhaps tonight after work. Most likely tomorrow, though.
Jane: WHORE.
Carly: "House of Mirth" has to go back tomorrow, I had to watch it today.
Jane: How could you watch "House of Mirth" before "Bottle Rocket?" What. Ev. Ah.
Carly: Oh come on. I'm just gonna watch the Real World Hawaii marathon instead :)
Jane: That's what I'm watching.
Carly: Hehe.
Jane: Ooh, is this when she throws the glass? This is exciting.
Carly: I think so. I know she does it at their house.
Jane: Dan is awesome.
Carly: I love dan
Jane: His advice is to not look ugly. That's great advice.
Carly: I agree, most of them look ugly on the show. What the fuck is this "Pootie Tang" shit? I can't handle things not making sense anymore, not after "The Houes of Mirth." It has ruined my resolve.
Jane: That movie looks like it's gonna be awful.
Carly: YOU BROKE ME, "HOUSE OF MIRTH!"
Jane: Wait. So, you can't watch our movies anymore?
Carly: Well, no, that's not true at all. We do it on purpose, for humor.
Jane: Oh, okay. I see.
Carly: Plus we're way cute.
Jane: That's true.
Carly: I'm just tired of movie and TV studios thinking they can keep getting away with this shit. I mean, sometimes it's funny, like "Cruel Intentions" and "Cruel Intentions 2." But I think they just need to have a little meeting and regroup. I mean, come on, some group of studio execs somewhere OK'ed "Dr. T and the Mexicans" ... that's just irresponsible.
Jane: This is true.
Carly: Once again, just disregard everything I'm saying. I'm on crack again. No, wait, I'm just bored ... nevermind.
Jane: Are ya?
Carly: Sure. Go away, Ludacris.
Jane: I'm tellin' ya. Skip out of work today, and you can go to Dan's to get some e. Then you can be like JR.
Carly: Hahahaha. And my evil dad Adam Chandler can pretend nothing is going on.
Jane: Yes. Tim Pruney will be David Hayward for our purposes.
Carly: Eeeeew.
Jane: Hopefully a clothed David Hayward.
Carly: Yeah, really. Dude, I totally forgot it was Saturday, and I was all psyched cause it was 12:58 and I had just made a bagel, and I was gonna go watch All My Children, and as I triumphantly marched up the stairs, my mom calls up to me, "isn't today Saturday?"
Jane: You always do that.
Carly: I know. It's so sad, I never learn.