Movie Reviews: Dr. T and the Women
The following is a review of Dr. T and the Women written by Jane and Carly on 06/21/01. I was going to edit it down, but I think it's much funnier in its original form. It shows exactly how dumb we are. Basically, this movie is the story of Dr. T, a ton of underdeveloped female characters, a giant bug, and some Mexicans. Enjoy!
Jane: Hello.
Carly: hello
Jane: I'm eating Honey Nut Cheerios.
Carly: yum
Jane: I'm watching something weird about smoking on the beach on CN8, and
these two women totally can't make a good point.
Jane: They're awful speakers.
Carly: haha
Jane: They apparantly banned smoking on the beach.
Jane: In Belmar.
Carly: lovely
Jane: Haha. This guy named Louis just called in and he has a very sultry
voice.
Jane: Oh, my.
Jane: Anyway.
Carly: haha
Jane: On to Dr. T. and the Slew of Random Underdeveloped Characters.
Carly: lol yeah really
Carly: so how exactly should we do this?
Carly: i could just paste parts of my review and whatnot
Carly: and then you could write your stuff
Jane: Yeah, that's cool. We'll just say random things about the movie in
the order that they came. :)
Jane: I suppose we should say what this stupid movie was about.
Carly: hehe. amazing!
Carly: true
Carly: Dr. T. and the women takes place in texas
Jane: It's about Dr. T. and his women. All the obnoxious, ugly, retarded
women in his life.
Carly: it's about dr. travis, played by richard gere
Carly: oh how obnoxious they were
Carly: ok, now onto the show
Jane: And "Bree", his golfing lovah, played by Helen Hunt.
Jane: Aight.
Carly: Ok, first off, there is a preview for Soul Survivors. That movie
will rule, I guarantee it. Then there's one for Cecil B. Demented, which we fast-forwarded
through. Next there is a preview for Blair Witch 2, which is the worst movie ever,
according to Jane. Finally, there's a preview for Requiem for a Dream, which was
an amazing movie. You know what? I think we should just keep watching these previews
over and over again, forget stupid Richard Gere and his women. Holy crap! There
are 13 new Lyle Lovett instrumentals on the soundtrack for Dr. T and the Women!!
We have to buy that right now.
Jane: Yes, I'm hella excited for the new Lyle Lovett stuff.
Carly: me too!
Jane: The movie starts out with a woman getting an exam by Dr. T, who's
a gynecologist.
Carly: yeah ew.
Carly: Ok, here we go. Feature presentation. Ahhh!!! Eeeww!! Old woman
at a gynecologist! Aaaahhh!! Richard Gere is the gynecologist! Make is stop! She's
wearing this strange hat with feathers in it, and I really don't know why. Do
you know what he's doing down there!? Stop talking!! Shelley Long is a nurse in
Dr. T's office. She's saying "Marsha, Marsha," which I think is a Brady Bunch
shout-out. There are a lot of blonde women in the reception area of the office.
Boy, this place suuuure is busy for a frigging gynecologist's office. It's more
like a social hangout (eeew). I think all these women are here so that Richard
Gere can "examine" them, if you get my drift, and I think you do.
Jane: It involves a flashlight and a big scary clamp thing, and is reaffirming
my idea that I never want to go to a gynecologist.
Carly: i'm with you on that one, jane
Jane: Oh, wait. I have stuff about the office.
Jane: Tee hee.
Carly: hee
Jane: Okay, yeah, the black hat with the feather and the veil was ridiculous.
Carly: yeah what the hell was that crap?
Jane: Oh, so, we find out from their embarrassing small talk that Dr. T's
wife's sister and her three kids are staying with him and that his daughter's
getting married.
Carly: yes
Jane: So, yeah, there are a lot of blonde women in this office.
Carly: i missed the part about his sister and her kids and was completely
in the dark about that throughout the whole movie
Carly: Aahhh, now from a scene of 30 women in a gynecologist's office,
to a scene of 4 men out hunting. In an open field. Wearing camouflage and bright
orange.
Carly: are they shooting clay pigeons?
Jane: they're shooting gold balls!
Jane: Haha.
Jane: Golf balls.
Carly: haha
Jane: They're made of gold!
Carly: every scene with the hunters was absurd
Jane: Uh, yeah, Dr. T uses a "Bernadette Rose" gun. In case you were wondering.
Carly: they had waaaay too much camouflage and equipment for whatever they
were doing
Carly: as opposed to a "bernadette peters" gun :)
Jane: Yeah, on the way to Blockbuster to return this monstrosity of a movie,
I called the gun a "Bernadette Peters". 'Cause I'm an idiot.
Jane: Anyway, Andy Richter's in this movie, which upsets me to no end.
Carly: Now we're in a mall with Laura Dern and Farrah Fawcett. I'm not
even going to try to describe this. Laura Dern's hat is giant and fuzzy. Farrah
Fawcett looks insane, and thinks it's funny that the woman who works at Tiffany's
is coincidentally named Tiffany. Isn't that cute? Cut to Tara Reid and Kate Hudson.
Kate Hudson is late meeting Tara Reid. They're heading to Tiffany's too. Back
to the men in the field. Jane has just spotted one of them as Andy from Conan
O'Brien. Why is he in such a shitty movie?
Jane: GO BACK TO CONAN, BABY!
Carly: yeah totally
Jane: Yeah, okay.
Jane: Laura Dern is Dr. T's sister-in-law, Farrah Fawcett is his wife,
and Kate Hudson and Tara Reid are his two daughters.
Jane: Kate Hudson is getting married.
Carly: Back to Tiffany's. Okay, so Kate Hudson is the bride. Farrah Fawcett
is the mom. Tara Reid is trying on Laura Dern's stupid-ass hat. Uh-oh, Farrah
Fawcett has been left unattended and is walking out of the store. Bum bum bummm.
Now the 4 men are eating sandwiches. One of them is Richard Gere (clearly). I
don't know who the other 2 are. Dr. T. (Mr. Gere) is married to Farrah Fawcett,
who is still wandering aimlessly around the mall. Laura Dern is Farrah Fawcett's
sister. Tara Reid and Kate Hudson are sisters, their parents being Dr. T. and
MIA Farrah Fawcett. Farrah Fawcett looks stoned off her ass. She has now taken
off her shoes and contines walking, while her daughters search for her. Cut to
the stupid men in the field. It begins to storm. They pack up the stuff while
one of them says "It's ok, I like my women wet." I hate this movie already.
Jane: You're so confusing me with the cutting and pasting, by the way.
All of a sudden, there's this huge chunk of text right in front of me. And I'm
expected to READ IT ALL. DAMN YOU, CARLY. :)
Carly: HAHAH
Carly: i'll edit this when i actually put it together in the end
Carly: it will make much more sense when it's all done
Jane: You don't have to edit it, really.
Jane: Just make sure that you don't copy and paste parts that have already
been said.
Jane: It'll be easier that way.
Carly: true
Carly: Oh good, Helen Hunt is here. Cause this movie doesn't suck already
or anything. Ugh. I still don't understand how she was in 4 movies at once this
past spring. But that is another story for another day. She's Bree, the new golf
pro. Goooood for her. She's really just there to chew up scenery anyway. Um, ok,
if Tara Reid and Laura Dern are sooo concerned about getting drenched, then why
in the hell are they walking as slowly as possible into the house? So now the
other women are home, but "mom" is still traipsing around the fountain in the
mall. Good job, guys.
Jane: Wait. Okay, you're going really fuckin' fast right now. I don't know
where we are anymore.
Carly: haha
Carly: i'm sorry
Jane: I haven't finished the first part you wrote.
Carly: ok, i have a new plan ...
Carly: i'll just send you my review and you add stuff?
Carly: :)
Carly: i can still make it like a chat
Carly: but it's all up to you
Jane: Okay, here's what I think.
Carly: ok
Jane: It'll be easier if you don't copy and paste such large parts.
Carly: ok
Carly: i wont
Jane: 'Cause I'm getting confused, 'cause I'm an idiot, sittin' here droppin'
cheerios everywhere.
Carly: awww
Jane: I'm sure that makes a pretty picture.
Jane: HAHAH.
Carly: now i want cereal
Carly: brb
Jane: K.
Carly: back, with Kix
Jane: Ooh, fun.
Carly: mmhm
Carly: anyway, moving on
Jane: Dude, okay, I have to mention something we skipped past.
Carly: ok
Jane: Okay, when Farah Fawcett is wandering around the mall, the girls
all run past looking for her, and one of them goes, "Where do you think Kate went?"
So, they pan up and they zoom in on the GUESS? sign, which is where Farah Fawcett
is! Oh, my GOD, they're clever!
Jane: Sorry, I had to mention that.
Jane: Oh, yeah, so we're on Helen Hunt, right?
Carly: haaaha
Carly: i think so
Jane: Yeah, she shows up at the pro shop, and the boys working there are
totally checking her out which is GROSS, 'cause she's HELEN HUNT.
Carly: I KNOW! EW
Jane: Yeah, seriously.
Carly: Back at the golf shop, the little man-servant boys who work there
are telling Bree that Dr. Travis (Dr. T.) is a doctor ? "the lucky kind." Eeewwww.
Now Dr. T. and Bree have met each other,
Jane: Oh, yeah, so, back at the mall, Farah Fawcett gets all neked and
dances around the fountain.
Carly: Mom has ? oh my god she is NAKED IN THE FOUNTAIN AT THE MALL. What
the fucking fuck!? Cut to the men's locker room, I suppose. The 3rd of the 4 guys
played one of the judges in Drop Dead Gorgeous, the pervy one. The only thing
these guys ever talk about is women, and philosophy concerning women. They really
need to get out more.
Carly: (sorry for repeating stuff)
Jane: Yeah, Dr. T refers to women as "saints."
Jane: I don't understand that.
Carly: heh
Carly: neither do i
Jane: Oh, yeah! Another thing.
Jane: When Farah Fawcett is in the fountain naked, they zoom in on the
GODIVA sign! 'Cause they're FUCKING CLEVER!
Carly: hahahaha
Jane: Oh, yeah, so the police call Dr. T about his wife.
Carly: i'm glad one of us was paying to the "subtle nuances" in this movie,
jane
Jane: :)
Carly: Now we're in the jail, where Mom has been taken. Dr. T. shows up.
There's sentimental music in the background, like we're supposed to be all sad
and touched by this scene of him talking to her through the jail bars. I hate
this movie. Bring on the lesbians ?
Jane: Dude, don't give it away!
Jane: Hehe.
Carly: ah, shit!
Carly: my bad, y'all. no lesbians here. no siree
Jane: Uh, they bring Farah Fawcett to a mental hospital.
Carly: oh wait we skipped something i want to mention
Jane: K.
Carly: i feel it necessary because it references dawson's creek
Carly: Well, I guess the good doctor sprung his wife out of jail. That's
a nice story for your grandchildren. Cut to their not-so humble abode. There's
stupid acoustic instrumental music in the background, almost like what would be
on Dawsons's Creek, minus the whiny person moaning ? err, I mean "singing." Mom's
asleep. Dr. T. is drinking tea. Now he's trying to make out with her. Nice move,
Cassanova. She freaks out and gets up, moving away. Yeah, I would too, hon. She
tells him they "can't do that anymore." Apparently she has taken her ring off.
Close-up of him scrutinizing the ring on the night stand.
Jane: Lovely.
Carly: so anyway, mental hospital
Carly: she might have the rare Hestia complex
Jane: yeah, okay, a big bug shows up in Carly's room at this point, so
the next few scenes are sketchy.
Carly: yeah it was fucking huge
Carly: and red
Carly: and i didnt know how to properly handle the situation
Jane: Yeah, while Carly tried to put the bug on a piece of toilet paper,
I noticed that her doctor was talking about the Hestia complex, but I didn't really
hear what it was all about.
Carly: i doubt that whatever we missed was important
Jane: Anyway, then there's a woman smoking and getting an exam at the same
time, blah, blah, blah.
Carly: it affects upper-class women with husbands who are loved too much
Jane: Carly got the bug and flushed it down the toilet.
Jane: Oh, yeah. We find that out later.
Carly: oh, i thought we had missed it the first time around or something
Carly: oh well!
Carly: whoops!
Jane: I have no idea.
Jane: I wasn't really paying attention. That bug was freaking me out.
Carly: How was this movie made? Like, studio executives approved this script!
I can't believe that. Long story short, no one knows what's wrong with Mom, but
she's been there for 3 weeks. He's blaming himself for her imaginary "complex."
Basically they invented a complex only for her. This is such bullshit. Cue sappy
acoustic guitar. "Daddy, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard,"
says Tara Reid. And for the first time ever, I'm gonna say that I agree with her.
I left the room at this point, and when I got back, the women were gone. It was
just Dr. T. looking all sad, and his secretary-lady Shelley Long.
Carly: i think that catches everything up
Jane: Okay. Cool.
Carly: then it's the dallas cowboy cheerleader thing
Jane: Oh, yeah. Okay.
Jane: First of all:
Jane: Kate Hudson has decided that she's gonna be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader
alternate, 'cause that's not random.
Jane: Second of all:
Carly: yeah what the hell was that
Jane: They all practice in bathing suits.
Carly: haha i know!
Carly: that can't be true
Carly: no one would ever do that
Jane: Yeah, seriously.
Carly: then we see Connie giving a JFK assassination grassy knoll tour
Carly: she is clearly one of those people who are obsessed with conspiracies
Carly: this will come into play later
Jane: Yeah, and Kate Hudson calls her from practice, 'cause it's imperative
she inform her about who her maid of honor is gonna be RIGHT THEN.
Carly: deedee cant put her cell phone down at all
Carly: yeah that was hella unprofessional of her
Carly: she has chosen "Marilyn from Houston" as her maid of honor. Tara
Reid doesn't agree. Cut to yet another woman with her legs on the stirrups in
Dr. T's office. I hate that I had to write that just now. Eew, as she gets up
off the table / chair / whatever thing you can see her ass crack. Excuse me while
I go vomit. Dr. T. has to leave to go deliver twins, so he makes all the women
leave. They are duly disappointed
Jane: Yeah, so, her maid of honor is apparantly "Marilyn from Houston",
and Tara Reid doesn't like this idea. (I was just gonna write that down, that
I had that ready to send right as you sent the last message :))
Carly: :)
Jane: Yeah, the woman with the ass crack is Andy Richter's wife in the
movie, which is even more upsetting.
Carly: oh ew
Carly: poor andy
Carly: wherefore art thou, andy?
Jane: Yeah, but Dr. T is all, "You look great" to that woman.
Carly: yeah
Jane: So, he's totally gonna give her a Hestia complex.
Carly: *gasp*
Carly: nooooo!
Carly: it's terminal, you know
Jane: Okay, can I point something out?
Carly: sure
Jane: Bree is constantly wearing white floods.
Carly: i know!!
Carly: thank you for pointing that out!
Carly: is it a golf thing? is it a helen hunt thing? a character "quirk"
?
Carly: all the female characters (and there suuure are lots) have "weird
qiurks"
Carly: ugh
Jane: Yeah, Bree and Dr. T play golf. Blah, blah, blah.
Jane: Yeah, so, Tara Reid calls Kate Hudson during practice, and it's apparantly
this horrible faux pas to have a cell phone when you're a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
Carly: sure, like the rest of them dont have cell phones or anything
Carly: dammit, we missed my independent woman line!
Carly: hahaha
Jane: Haha.
Jane: Yeah, Bree told Dr. T that she could carry her own bag, 'cause ...
Carly: "No, I got 'em. I'm an independent woman. Bet you didn't know I
could get down like that." Ok, she didn't really say that.
Jane: :)
Jane: Oh, back at the golf course, Bree keeps going,
"It became about ___ instead of ___." And it's really annoying.
Carly: i missed that part
Carly: i refused to listen to her dialogue
Jane: It was obnoxious.
Carly: connie thinks marilyn wants something more than to just be deedee's
bridesmaid. Ha. Ha. Ha. Stay tuned, and remember that comment.
Carly: Nice shot of Kate Hudson half naked in the locker room.
Carly: Err, I mean ? sorry.
Jane: Oh, yeah. Kate Hudson calls Laura Dern to say that
Tara Reid's gonna try to get them to stay away from the whole outdoor wedding
idea.
Jane: So, Laura Dern starts saying something about
body types, and it's totally random. Blah, blah, blah.
Carly: yeah whatever Laura Dern
Carly: Laura Dern is an alcoholic.
Jane: Yeah, we have that point beaten into our skulls
throughout this movie.
Carly: ugh i know
Carly: lots of anvils in this movie
Jane: Okay, this is the point when we discovered that
the movie is really long and we start fast forwarding.
Carly: Back out on the range, it's getting darker out, and Dr. T. and Bree
are still exchanging "witty banter." How long is this movie? I'm hungry, I want
cookies. 132 minutes!? Christ! We're just gonna fast-forward through half of this
now. Whatever. No one cares anyway
Carly: hehe yeah
Jane: So, uh ....
Carly: Moving on ? Bridal shower!! Wheee!! Boooooriiiiinnng.
Jane: Nothing really happens for a while.
Carly: . Hey! "Marilyn from Houston" (Liv Tyler) is here! She and Deedee
hug. They are in love. Marilyn is wearing something that Tara on Buffy would wear.
Gee, I don't think they're trying to tell us anything, do you?
Jane: Haha. Oh, yeah.
Carly: then there was a fat lady crying in dr. t's office i think
Jane: I don't remember that.
Jane: Dr. T and Bree go back to his house after some golf.
Jane: They put on a little Lyle Lovett.
Carly: hahaha
Jane: Drink a little wine.
Jane: Put on a little romantic Lyle Lovett.
Jane: And get the love makin'.
Carly: I don't like what Dr. T. is doing here while his insane wife is locked
away. No sir. The lyrics to the song go, "One mistake can take you to your grave,"
or something like that. Subtle
Jane: Ooh, this is what I heard:
Jane: "You don't have to break the law and free the lord again."
Jane: But, I think I'm wrong.
Carly: hahaha
Carly: i really hope that is what he was saying
Jane: Okay, so now they're duck hunting.
Jane: And, we keep hearing quacking.
Jane: 'Cause there're ducks there.
Carly: Then there's the sound of a duck, which was really funny, cause I was
looking away at the time, and was like, "was that him or her that made the duck
noise?" Whatever, I'm stupid.
Jane: Wait. Those were ducks.
Jane: Real ducks.
Carly: no, way, real ducks?
Carly: in this movie?
Jane: There were DUCKS there, Carly!
Carly: ducks?
Jane: DUCKS!
Carly: not people making duck sounds?
Jane: Hell fuckin' yeah! REAL DUCKS!
Carly: not richard gere and helen hunt having sex and making DUCK NOISES,
JANE!?
Jane: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Jane: No. Real.
Jane: Ducks.
Carly: fine
Carly: Anyway, it's the next day and the 4 men are in hardcore camouflage,
hunting more gold balls, I suppose. They're hiding in the bushes. Are they going
to all these extremes just for golf balls, or are there real dangerous animals
involved?
Jane: They don't want to scare away the REAL DUCKS,
CARLY! THAT'S WHY THEY'RE HIDING!
Jane: Ducks.
Jane: Oh, now we find out the big "secret" of Kate Hudson
and Marilyn from Houston.
Carly: They're drinking out of a flask. Why does everyone in this movie
have a fucking flask!?
Jane: I want a flask.
Carly: me too
Carly: you want a flask filled with pink lemonade
Carly: i want one filled with cran grape
Jane: Regular lemonade.
Jane: But, pink is okay.
Carly: well i'll take the pink one then
Jane: Ooh, we have cran grape ice pops.
Jane: I ate all the regular cranberry ones.
Carly: oh man i want one right now
Jane: Can't have one.
Carly: right, back to this shit movie
Jane: Tell us about the "secret", Carly.
Carly: so marilyn from houston and deedee totally start making out
Jane: OH MY GAWD!
Jane: No fuckin' way!
Carly: you better believe it, buster
Carly: i'm glad i get to tell this, cause i have some complaints to file
Jane: File away.
Carly: 1) no real lesbians look like kate hudson. or liv tyler, for that
matter.
Jane: Are you kidding?
Jane: You look EXACTLY like Kate Hudson!
Carly: no. most lesbians are ugly and mannish
Carly: ah, yes, that's right, i do look like her
Jane: Blonde hair and everything.
Carly: that's right. everyone who is reading this, I LOOK JUST LIKE KATE
HUDSON
Carly: I'M REALLY HOT
Carly: YOU AAAALL WANT ME.
Carly: moving on to the next complaint
Carly: 2) we had to sit through 132 minutes of this train wreck of a movie,
they could have at least shown a little more action between them than a few kisses
Carly: i felt ripped off
Carly: and violated and dirty, for having watched this movie
Jane: Oh, can I mention something?
Carly: go for it
Jane: They kissed like they were twelve. Even at the
end. They kiss with their mouths closed and for about two seconds. Not that I'm
asking to see more, or anything, I just find that highly unrealistic.
Carly: yeah, i agree
Carly: like, that would never happen that way
Carly: trust me ;) ;)
Jane: Haha.
Carly: *ahem* moving on
Carly: Marilyn and Connie are getting fitted for their dresses. Deedee
and Laura Dern are there too. Connie is being a bitch. Then she leaves. Perhaps
she is picking up on the tension between Marilyn and Deedee, I dunno. Who cares?
Jane: Oh, this is a funny line:
Jane: Kate Hudson re:Liv Tyler: "Her breastbone is the best part of her
body."
Jane: Uhhhhhhhh ... stuff happens after that. We fast forwarded a lot.
Carly: yeah, i laughed out loud (LOL'ed) at that one
Jane: LOL!
Jane: Really?
Carly: yes!
Jane: Were you ... ROTFL?
Carly: well, no
Jane: OMG.
Carly: you would've kicked me if i had been
Carly: dr. t. goes to some council meeting
Carly: it's him in (gasp!) a room full of women
Jane: Uh ... then more stuff happens.
Carly: let me check my notes
Jane: Oh, Tara Reid tells Dr. T that Kate Hudson is a lesbian.
Carly: yeah
Jane: It don't matter, baby.
Jane: I think it was just him and Bree.
Carly: Connie walked in on them or something, but thought she was just
"experimenting" or something. I'm not really enjoying this plotline. Blah blah
blah lesbiancakes. She leaves, telling him that there's nothing wrong with her,
and she's fine. Clearly she is not.
Jane: Yeah, boring.
Jane: Bree shows up at the office wearing real pants!
Jane: Good for her!
Carly: haha
Carly: congratulations
Jane: Dr. T examines Marilyn.
Jane: Let me just say something about this.
Carly: yeah
Jane: The girl is visiting from Houston. Why the fuck would she
schedule a gynecologist appointment while she's VISITING. And you CAN'T GET A
FUCKING YEAST INFECTION IF YOU'RE NERVOUS!!!!!
Jane: >:o
Carly: yeah we didnt like that scene
Carly: An old lady trips some bitch with her cane and she hits her head
on a table and is knocked unconscious.
Carly: that was sorta cool
Carly: except not really
Jane: Marilyn tells Kate Hudson that she thinks Dr. T knows about them.
Carly: yeah
Carly: they're all lovey-dovey
Carly: they're always outdoors, did you notice that?
Jane: Oh, yeah, so, even though Carly and I are the only people who will
understand this:
Carly: are you gonna say lesbianca and sara?
Carly: hehehe
Jane: Marilyn is the same character as Lesbianca and Kate Hudson is Sarah.
Because Kate Hudson is getting married and Marilyn doesn't want her to. Dark hair,
blonde hair. I think I had a brief nervous breakdown and dropped my notebook off
the bed at that point.
Carly: you definitely did
Carly: i can vouch for that
Jane: I'm a spax.
Jane: Spaz.
Jane: Hahaha.
Carly: i wrote this: Jane is freaking out, because this is reminiscent
to the Lesbianca / Sara storyline on All My Children.
Jane: I'm a spax, also.
Carly: see? it's true
Carly: yeah, you're both
Jane: What the hell is a spax, anyway?
Carly: sounds like a dr. seuss thing
Carly: i dunno
Jane: Hehe.
Jane: K ... next?
Carly: anyway, this is the last part before the Big Climactic Wedding
Carly: That night, at Dr. T's office, Shelley Long comes in and massages
him. Then she takes her top off. Ok, so she's in love with him too. Whatever.
He leaves. The next scene is of the men hunting in the woods. Finally, the wedding!
Jane: Yay! The wedding.
Jane: We finally see Kate Hudson's fiancee and he's a NERD!
Carly: oh my god, he so is
Jane: A fifteen-year-old NERD!
Carly: and now i have a comment
Carly: Thunder crashes, signaling the doom that was this movie. Too late
for me, I suppose. She's marrying a little geeky boy. Who would choose him over
Liv Tyler? I mean, I really can't stand Liv Tyler, and I still know what is considered
an intelligent decision and what isn't.
Jane: This is true.
Jane: That's why she DOESN'T choose him!
Carly: exactly, jane!
Carly: then there is the Big Decision, as the camera pans back and forth
between Geekboy and Marilyn, showing Deedee's indecisio
Jane: Oh, my Gawd!
Carly: Then she smiles, runs to Marilyn, tells her she loves her, and they
run away. Dad is happy for her. The groom is confused
Jane: by the way, everyone is wearing hats. I think it's an upper-middle-class
white lady thing.
Carly: i think you're right, Ms. Weiner
Jane: It starts to rain.
Jane: Everyone starts running away.
Carly: yes, because connie is paranoid, but correct
Carly: and dr. t gets all weird
Jane: Shelly Long quits her job to become a pastry chef.
Carly: he looks to the sky and laughs
Carly: Connie is still "fine."
Jane: Tara Reid lets us know that she's "fine" and "not to worry about"
her.
Carly: He gets into the clearly un-used "just married" car and drives off.
It's a convertible, but he doesn't care, cause he's giddy or something. He goes
to see Helen Hunt.
Jane: Oh, lord.
Jane: He runs in and says that he wants her to run away with him.
Carly: she's all "... no"
Jane: She says "Nooooooooooooooooooo."
Jane: :)
Carly: He says he'll take care of her. She doesn't want that, she says.
She has "plans." Apparently she's with "Arlan" or something. He is sad. He leaves,
dejected, and walks around in the pouring rain to sad, tense music. He gets in
the car, top still down, and drives away.
Carly: and now, ladies and gentlemen
Carly: we have a real treat for you
Carly: jane started singing
Carly: she made up a song about the ending to the movie
Jane: Oh, yeah, just copy this whole part.
Carly: shall i?
Carly: oh, i think i shall
Carly: Jane is making up a really funny song, trying to figure out what's
happening. It's really funny. "It's lightening, it's crazy! I bet he's crying,
but you can't tell cause it's raining. It's crazy! How he can see with all the
rain!? Gasp! The lightning is fake, the lightning is fake. Lose control of the
car, lose control of the car! He's driven into a garbage pile. Where did all the
leaves come from? The car is turning upside down." I think he's inside a tornado
or something. Like, Twister, which also starred Helen Hunt. "Doctorrrrrr Teeeeeeee!!!"
sings Jane. It fades to black. All you can see is his "DR T" vanity plate. "It
woulda been cool if they ended it here," says Jane.
Jane: All I have written is "THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS" for the rest of
the movie.
Carly: yes
Carly: But alas, no. We fade into a desert. His car is trashed. His coat
is lying around. There are 3 little girls in dressed running around the wreckage.
Jane is asking a lot of questions. "They're Mexican princesses," comments Jane.
"Look at this, more women! Mexican women! He's just gonna find another group of
women. They're fat and ugly. He's running and jogging across the desert to women
he doesn't know." How did he end up here!?!? The women bring him to a building
where one of their women-folk is giving birth. Oh, how convenient. Good thing
he crash landed there, huh? Where did the lesbians go? "He landed in Mexico? Ooh,
he just took his wedding ring off," says Jane. She's commenting on what they're
saying in Spanish. Eew, stop showing a close-up of a baby being born!!! Eeeewww!
Noooo!! Jane and I are freaking out. "Oh, thanks for showing me that. Jesus fucking
Christ!" Oh, it's a boy. He's overjoyed at the fact that it isn't a girl. "Lyle
Lovett, come tell us about Dr. T. and the Mexicans!" says Jane. "Are they gypsies?
Why are they in the middle of the desert?" Lyle Lovett's song goes, "Ain't it
something?" "Ain't is something ? Dr. T. and the Mexicans," says Jane. "It's Dr.
T and the Women, to Dr. T and the Mexicans, to Dr. T and the Miracle of Life,
and finally to Dr. T. and the Deformed Baby. There was something wrong with it,
it had an enlarged penis. It's an infant, it's just too big. And Dr. T and the
Full Frontal. I don't need to see that. Big fat ladies and -" "STOP THAT!" "Ain't
it something indeed!"
Carly: and that's a cunt!
Jane: Hahahaha.
Carly: i mean, that's a wrap!
Carly: ahh, that was fun
Jane: "Lyle Lovett, come tell us about Dr. T. and the Mexicans!"
Carly: hahahahahaha
Carly: you're so funny jane
Jane: I know!
Carly: hahaha
Jane: I'm just keeping this exactly as it is. 'Cause
it's ridiculous.
Carly: definitely
Carly: hahaha
Jane: I ate so many Honey Nut Cheerios.
Carly: i ate so many Kix
Jane: I think I ate half the box. I'm not even exaggerating.
Carly: same here, dude
Carly: ugh
Jane: I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Carly: good call
Carly: oh my god why am i up
Jane: Seriously.
Jane: Goodnight.
Carly: ha 'night :)
Jane signed off at 4:08:06 AM.