Movie Reviews: Attraction
The following is a review of Attraction written by Jane and Carly on 06/26/01. We wrote this review in about 8 minutes. This is due to the fact that this movie sucked so much that we fast-forwared through pretty much the entire thing.
Jane: Are we doin' this movie thang?
Carly: Oh, right. Tru dat.
Jane: What'll it take, three minutes?
Carly: Haha, yeah, pretty much.
Jane: It was called Affection, correct?
Carly: So the title of the movie is Attraction ... hahaha.
Jane: You know what?
Carly: What?
Jane: I totally meant to write Attraction. And I don't know what possessed
me to write Affection instead.
Carly: Quite odd.
Jane: Whatevah.
Carly: Starring matthew settle (the in crowd), tom everett scott (dead
man on campus), gretchen mol (rounders), and ... samantha mathis (american psycho).
I'm so proud that i know all that. I clearly need a life. Anyhoo, so matthew settle
is stalking gretchen mol.
Jane: No, it starts with a guy talking to someone off camera about how
he "never wants to come down off his high" when he's with some girl.
Carly: Oh, right. Whoops.
Jane: Okay, Matthew Settle is the guy.
Carly: Yes. You can tell how riveting these fake interviews were.
Jane: And then he goes to a diner and talks to Gretchen Mol.
Carly: Yes. And she's all, "why you sleeping in yo car outside ah mah house,
motherfucker?"
Jane: Yeah, he's been stalking her. Fun stuff.
Carly: Yeah. Whatever.
Jane: Then she leaves. Uh ...
Carly: Um ... Oh! Then he's at work, right?
Jane: Yeah. With Tom Everett Scott.
Carly: With mark paul gosselar. Oh, no, tom everett scott. WHOOPS. Zack
morris woulda made this so much better.
Jane: True dat.
Carly: He could've sat on top of garbage cans and talked on his huge cell
phone. But i digress. So i think they work together.
Jane: Uh ... so, apparantly he wrote an article about Gretchen and Tom
Everett Scott's gonna publish it.
Carly: Yeah.
Jane: But, Tom and Gretchen are friends and he tells Matthew that he's
been scaring Gretchen, blah, blah, blah.
Carly: Blah blah stupid movie.
Jane: Then ... what happened next?
Carly: We started fast-forwarding.
Jane: Right.
Carly: We watched the entire movie on fast-forward.
Jane: Matthew went to Gretchen's. And she got scared.
Carly: Then matthew (JUDD) met samantha mathis (PAM).
Jane: Right. At a bar.
Carly: And they went home together.
Jane: And she had black hair with blonde streaks.
Carly: Yeah. Because she's pam from real world.
Jane: And they humped in fast motion.
Carly: Hahaha, that was funny. I think they fell on the floor. And i think
she left.
Jane: And the next day she went to get her hair done, and Gretchen just
HAPPENED to be her hair dresser.
Carly: Yeah, contrivance much?
Jane: So, after she got her hair dyed and cut, she looked really old.
Carly: Yeah, she looked at least 40.
Jane: And then ...
Carly: Umm ... stuff happened?
Jane: We were pretty much making up the plot, 'cause we don't know what
was actually being said, or anything.
Carly: I think the gist of the movie is that tom everett scott is now stalking
gretchen mol.
Jane: Yeah.
Carly: And then judd stalked pam.
Jane: Yeah, exactly.
Carly: And then tom everett scott killed gretchen mol? But judd got in
trouble i think? Is this remotely correct? Anyone? HAS ANYONE SEEN THIS MOVIE?
even the people who made it?
Jane: Right. Tom is talking to Gretchen and she looks upset and he walks
out of a room, and she's lying on the floor.
Carly: Right, and we were all "wha?"
Jane: And then Judd was in jail, 'cause everyone thinks he's still stalking
Gretchen.
Carly: Right. But i guess he's moved on to pam?
Jane: And then ... Tom starts chasing Pam in the car.
Carly: Oh wait, but there was a scene of him kissing her. Right. And he
dies, I think.
Jane: I think.
Carly: And she's all distraught or something.
Jane: And, then Judd is out of jaill.
Carly: Right.
Jane: And he talks to Pam.
Carly: And he meets Pedro, and writes a book called Pedro and Me.
Jane: We stopped fast forwarding.
Carly: Right, and there was some dialogue, like "i dont know" or some shit.
Jane: Right.
Carly: He could've said "what did you have for breakfast" for all we know.
Jane: And that was the end of the movie. Literally.
Carly: Yeah, fade to black right there.
Jane: Right.
Carly: And the song "Beautiful" by Joydrop was playing over the credits.
Jane: Ugh. That's such an awful song.
Carly: Whatever. Then there was a making the video world premiere of the
new J Lo song.
Jane: Right.
Carly: And Ja Rule is in it, but he doesnt sing, or rap, so I was really
mad.
Jane: And then we went on a dance party to Blockbuster to return the movie.
Carly: Yup. Hahahaha. We had a good dance party.
Jane: And, as I opened the night drop box, I said "thank you" to the guys
working in there.
Carly: That was so great.
Jane: We did have a good dance party.
Carly: Definitely. Ok, question: Which was worse: "The Cut" or
"Attraction" ? Personally, I think "Attraction," cause Molly
Ringwald wasn't in "Attraction."
Jane: Probably "Attraction," 'cause we couldn't even handle watching
it in regular speed.
Carly: And Molly Ringwald got FAT as the movie progressed.
Jane: Dude, Molly Ringwald just did not help at all with that movie.
Carly: No, she so did not.
Jane: That movie just made me mad.
Carly: Me too.
Jane: I'm gonna have to write a pissed off review of that one.
Carly: Clearly.
Jane: It took us eight minutes to write that, by the way.
Carly: Hahahaha.