Thursday, May 31, 2007
my other car is a genius car
one of my favorite sketches from one of my favorite shows, Sifl & Olly:
Want your own "My other car is a genius car!" bumper sticker? Download this PDF (I made this years ago, cause I'm awesome) and print it on some bumper sticker paper (it exists, I promise).
posted by carlytron @ 2:42 PM, , links to this post
site feed up and running
Finally, I have a site feed, and it is up and running. You can subscribe by clicking on the links on the right side of the page. If there is anything wrong with it, let me know. I'm new to this RSS nonsense.
Labels: site news
posted by carlytron @ 2:24 AM, , links to this post
TIDU: NJ roads
This is a new segment I am starting called "Things I Don't Understand" (TIDU), where I bitch about things I don't understand. First up are the roads in this great state we call New Jersey. Now, let me first state that I grew up here. I lived in NJ from age 2-18. I learned how to drive here (which explains my lack of driving finesse). So, I really had no idea that driving here was totally weird compared to driving anywhere else in the country. I have spent the past 7 years or so living in Orlando, FL, and now I am back in NJ. In the interim, I have driven in several other states, and I can categorically state that the roads in New Jersey are totally bizarre, and this has nothing to do with not getting to pump your own gas (which is obnoxious, but whatever). I am referring, of course, to the lack of left hand turns.
Now, there are some left hand turns. Plenty, really. But there are also an overwhelming number of things we here call "jughandles," and these are completely foreign to most people visiting or passing through the state. I have had friends from other states yell at me, as if I am somehow responsible for these stupid things. Trust me, I am as bewildered as you, I'm just used to them. We also have a lot of traffic circles, which usually somehow cause me to go the wrong way, but that is another story for another day.
I would like to highlight what I have found to be the most ridiculous jughandle in the state. The best part is that you used to be able to make a left hand turn, but traffic would back up really horribly during rush hour. So instead of widening the road, the great state of New Jersey decided to instead create the largest jughandle ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Freehold, NJ:
This is the before.
And this is the after.
To top it all off, it is frigging gigantic. I drove it tonight, and I realized that it is approximately 4/10 of a mile to get all away around this thing and make the turn. And that, my friends, is something that I don't understand (Oh, and I stole the maps from Google, cause their maps are the best).
Labels: new jersey, things i don't understand
posted by carlytron @ 12:58 AM, , links to this post
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
In praise of Bravo
I would like to thank Bravo, the television network, for being so, so, so damn gay. God, Bravo is so gay, right? It wasn't always super gay, but in the past few years it's become one of my favorite things. From Project Runway to Blow Out, I have been in love with Bravo for years now. Plus, they just acquired Television Without Pity, which has been one of my favorite sites for years. Bravo even caters to lesbians, too. So Bravo, I just want to say, I salute you. And, really, thank you for this, from the bottom of my gay little heart:
As an aside: did anyone see the Shear Genius reunion? Sally Hershberger totally wanted Tabatha. Anyone else pick up on that? Sally is, after all, supposedly the inspiration for Shane on The L Word.
Labels: girls, in praise of, tv
posted by carlytron @ 11:16 PM, , links to this post
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Off The Lot, episode 1
Wow. Carrie Fisher is struggling. Let 'em have it, Carrie! tell them it sucked.
Sorry, I am watching all two hours of the first "actual" episode of On the Lot right now. I think I might make it a habit of commenting on this on a regular basis. not that I could ever possibly do as awesome of a job as all of the awesome people at Television Without Pity but I do feel that I have some things to say on the subject. And I am considering this episode the "first" one. The previous ones don't count because they were like an extended casting special. And I'm disappointed, because I love a good casting special.
First, some back story (back storrryyyyy!!). I have wanted to be a filmmaker ever since I was a kid. I remember watching this show called Movie Magic with my mom and wanting to do special effects in big Hollywood blockbusters. I wanted to blow up miniature cities and crap like that. As I grew up I had lots of other career aspirations (ice cream man, lawyer, architect), but whenever I grew tired of those I would always come back to filmmaking. After college I began working in television production (after saying I would "never" work in TV while I was in college) and really enjoyed it, so I am still working in TV. Watching a few episodes of On the Lot has actually reaffirmed, for me, my desire to stay in in television and not make the jump to film any time soon.
Right off the bat, I have some issues:
- The judges keep telling all of the "filmmakers" (I use that term loosely) that they are soooo talented, such incredible artists, such visual storytellers. Not all of them are talented, guys. They're giving them these compliments in the same breath as they are telling them they hated their films.
- I hate potty humor too, judges. What is with all of the farting and puking and gross stuff? Although I guess it's better than the student films I used to have to sit through during college, which were always about suicide, depression, spies, and lesbians. And not in the good way, either.
- I hate the host. Jane told me I would hate her, and she was right. She looks like that girl on Bones but like, totally lame. What happened to the host from the first few episodes where they narrowed the contestants from 50 to 18?
- Oh, yeah about that 18 thing. Um, why didn't we get to see the cut from 24 to 18? What happend there? And why didn't we get to meet many of the contestants during the first few episodes? Weird editing choice. I guess that it's for time purposes but it felt really disjointed.
- This is nitpicky, but why is the website "thelot.com" and not "onthelot.com"?
- The Verizon product placement is ridiculous. Integrating the phones into the films ... come on. Isn't enough to mention them whenever the stupid host says the phone numbers and whatnot? And I get it, we had to integrate Verizon phones into Hogan Knows Best when I worked on it, but this is a bit much.
- Did the filmmakers get big budgets for their first 1-minute comedy shorts? I don't think they said, all they mentioned was that they had a week to make them. Did the show provide the sets and actors for them? Cause I definitely recognized an actor or two, and they had some pretty elaborate sets (inside an airplane, etc.). I don't know ... I would just like it if they gave us all of the details but I am sure they never will.
- Are there any gay people on this show? On first glance (and reading their profiles on the official site) I would say "no," but sometimes I am wrong.
- Adam: "Dance Man." Liked him, liked his film. I can see him doing well on this show, I have no problem with him at all.
- Carolina: "Deliver Me." I have nothing against her, she doesn't really annoy me at all. Her film was ok. I didn't like it as much as the judges, but I thought it was good. You can tell that her talent is in cinematography, the editing seemed a bit oddly paced to me.
- Andrew: "Spaced Out." I really liked the aliens, they were so cute. Good effects. I hate fake vomit almost as much as I hate actual vomit. I liked him in the previous episodes too. He might be my favorite, if I had one. Also of note, the website lists his location as "Munneapolis, MN," which definitely does not exist.
- Kenny: "Wack Alley Cab." How is this guy more pretentious than most film students? He didn't even go to film school. Hey did you know that he didn't go to film school? Something tells me that he didn't go to film school. Except that his film looks exactly like an "edgy" film student's thesis project. Not only did I have no idea what was going on at all, I was convinced that I was on drugs the entire time I was watching it. Also, I hate "wacky." Unfortunately, I am worried that the viewing public likes him. We shall see. Please, get rid of him. Also, he looks homeless.
- Hilary: "Bus #1." Gross title, first of all. Pee humor also does nothing for me. Also, why were all of these adults on a school bus? Why not a normal bus? I didn't really like this one very much. Good comedic timing, but ... yeah, no.
- Marty: "The Big Bad Heist." I thought he was gay in the previous episodes. He was annoying with that other asshole guy who got eliminated, but I don't know how I feel about him. Mostly indifferent. I don't know why he made a trailer and not a standalone piece. Reminds me of when I applied to film school and submitted a trailer when they explicitly asked for "no trailers." Follow the directions, is all I'm saying. His film seemed pretty cool though. Well shot and bumbling criminals are pretty funny. Very Snatch which is kind of a rip-off. And the whole thing seemed skewed vertically? Anyone else think that? Like he didn't downconvert correctly or something.
- Will: "Lucky Penny." Good idea, could've been executed a little better. The first of two films where someone gets hit by a vehicle, what the fuck is with the violence in all of these pieces? I guess violence is funny. *shrug* Anyway, I like this guy as a person, I kinda bought into the whole sob story about the wife and the kid and the last chance at the dream, etc. etc. but that's gonna get old if I have to hear about it too much more.
- Jessica: "... To Screw In a Light Bulb." Jessica kinda bugs. I wanted to like her, cause I sorta got the gay vibe from her in previous episodes. But she's a bit much. I liked the concept but again, I had problems with the execution. I think there were too many additional characters thrown in too quickly, maybe quick cuts that added more characters each time. The glam rocker mugging for the camera cracked me up though. Carrie Fisher was funny trying to comment on this film.
- Mateen: "Soft." I totally loved this film, although I think I have used his background music in edits before. Gotta love music libraries. The twist in this was pretty funny, and the friends in this film cracked me up too.
- Claudia: "Blind Date." "Fluent in the language of movies," really announcer lady? How about, "her eyes are like lenses, her legs like a dolly." I wish she was played by Natasha from Top Model, they both have that "I'm kinda nuts and have an accent!" thing going on. I mostly liked this film until the bathroom fart nonsense. Hm, really getting the sense that I don't like gross-out humor, huh? I thought the girl in this was eating rocks out of that martini glass. Why wasn't she drinking? She acted drunk. This one was okay, I guess. Definitely not one of my favorites though.
- Jason: "Ghetta Rhoom." Way to promote the ignorant southern guy thing. I, too, was kinda offended by this piece. The main character totally came off as mentally retarded, not nerdy. I was really uncomfortable watching this. I like Jason's small-town story but I think this film might get him sent home. Another film where someone is hit by a truck, too.
- David: "FIle Size." Who is this guy? Was he on the show before? I wouldn't know, cause we never saw him. I liked the premise and mostly liked the film but I don't know, the end was weird? Maybe that's what was off about it? And I love office humor too. I loved the little montage of the guy with the stapler though.
- Zach: "Danger Zone." I liked that this was all one shot, cause I always love that, but his whole special effects thing is a total gimmick and at some point in this competition the judges are going to want to see something else, something new, something different. But this show is up to votes from the public, and they seem to like him, so he might do okay. I think he's not really a filmmaker though, he's a visual effects artist. But that's just me. I just think it's lame that the judges keep drooling over him when he's just doing fancy effects, not making a film.
- Trever: "A Golf Story." I don't like how "Trever" spells his name. He was the guy in the really disfunctional group with Marty and Asshole last week. Trever wisely didn't speak up during that debacle and now has made it this far, smart move. I didn't get that this was a mini golf course, though. Where's the windmill? Something that looks like a mini golf course? Anything?
- Shalini: "Love In the Year 2007." Wow. Way too much happening in a minute. Very ambitious. Liked the subject matter, but I don't see how this accomplished her goal of showing how all this technology actually moves us further apart instead of closer together. I didn't see that at all. And yeah, total Must Love Dogs rip-off.
- Phil: "Please Hold." I like this guy. His film was pretty good too. The 911 bit was humorous. I ... didn't really get ... the piggy bank ... either.
- Shira-Lee: "Check Out." Ok, yeah. I'll admit it ... this was really funny. I didn't see the need to fawn over it as much as the judges did, but I liked it. The close-up of the girl in the film showed some crazy eyes so maybe ... we don't do close-ups like that anymore?
- Sam: "Replication Theory." I like Sam, and I liked this movie. Even though I hate fart jokes, like a lot, I totally loved the whole idea of "replication." Good stuff.
Labels: on the lot, tv
posted by carlytron @ 5:31 PM, , links to this post
Monday, May 28, 2007
i will create my own fun
a few things, then bed, then more excitement:
- i hung out in central park all day and it was a blast. we flew kites and i played with a yo-yo. i was absolutely not in a good mood this morning, overcome with crazy anxiety all morning, but finally loosened up and had a great day with my friends. amazing photos coming soon.
- went to superfine and cattyshack tonight. superfine was rad. is sunday night a bad night for cattyshack? cause it was totally dead.
- i made my myspace un-friends-only. which was probably a bad idea and i will probably change it back soon, so enjoy it while it lasts.
- the cinematics are a great band, check them out.
- michael cera, formerly of the best show ever (arrested development, like you had to ask) has a web series and it is amazing. see for yourelf.
posted by carlytron @ 3:35 AM, , links to this post
Saturday, May 26, 2007
classified ad
So my best friend from Orlando, Cesar, is moving up here in August and is looking for an apartment and a roommate. So I have created this classified ad for him, and here it is:
REASONS WHY YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH CESAR
Cesar is a lovely person. I have know him for 7 years and he's a wonderful guy. He is graduating from college with a Bachelor's degree, which is prestigious. He already has a job lined up in NYC in theatre production and he's going to be an extremely talented theatre producer some day. He's really fun and responsible and would make a great roommate.
Anyway, Cesar likes theatre, fun, tv, dancing, dolly parton, blondie, boys, and salad tongs. He's a loving and caring guy and always a blast to be around. As a bonus, he has a great sense of style, and if you're like me, you like all of your friends to be well put together. And he'll always tell you if you look busted, so you'll never have to wonder if you look cute when you leave the house. If you or anyone you know needs a roommate in Manhattan (or Brooklyn), please let me know. For more on Cesar, go to his myspace.
Labels: cesar
posted by carlytron @ 4:24 PM, , links to this post
On why I am awesome (part the first)
This was inspired by a conversation I had with Jane, and is a product of my incredibly obnoxious insomnia. this is a list of why I am awesome. For the purposes of this list, "awesome" will be used in reference to any thing/event/action I have been involved in that makes for a totally great, interesting story. This also allows me to now tell these fantastic stories, and if there is one thing I love it's Talking About Me. Oh, and these are in random order. And each one is kinda long so I'm going to have to break them up into separate posts.
10. I cut off all of my hair the day of my senior prom.
I had really long hair for the longest time and finally in high school I cut it to shoulder-length, where it remained until the afternoon of my senior prom. Prior to the cut I always wore it in buns or ponytails because I Was a Jock. So around lunchtime I went to get my hair done in a fancy up-do, but once I got to the salon I decided to chop it all off instead. I had been toying with the idea for a while and it was obvs. a part of my Subtly Convince My Friends To Tell Me That I Am Gay Because I Refuse To Come Out plan (list coming soon, natch.), I was also ready for a change. So, off the hair went, and I showed up to prom looking smoking hot.
I know it's hard to tell the differences but you're just going to have to trust me here. The photo on the left is from the ever-popular "Carly With Beverages" series.
It is important to note that the year was 2000. It is also important to note that I went to this prom alone, without a date. I went to junior prom with a guy friend of mine, but senior prom was a solo venture, which made my fashionably late entrance all the more awesome ... all of my guy friends who didn't want to go to the prom with me were totally shocked and awed by my hotness (which I promised them would happen, but no one believed me, of course). I rarely speak highly of myself, as far as appearance goes, but that was a totally awesome moment and I'm really proud of myself for that. And I totally knew I was gay and didn't really care what the boys thought anyhow.
9. I publically embarassed myself a lot in high school by creating choreographed dance routines to pop songs.
In high school Jane and I tried to convince everyone how cool we were by openly hating pop music. We were all, "oh, Our Lady Peace and Incubus are sooooo cool, what the hell is this *NSync crap?" except we secretly loved it a lot. So much so that we performed choreographed dance routines at our school's talent show-type events as a "joke." But really, how much of a joke is it when you're practicing several times a week? Yeah, didn't think so. Videos of these performances are absolutely coming soon, I think the world is finally ready to see this.
Our first performance was a 3-person dance routine to a medley of pop songs, including (but not limited to) such hits as "Summergirls" by LFO, "Crazy" by crazy Britney herself, and "Tearin' Up My Heart" by *NSync. Our second performance was even more impressive, as we finally had a 5-person "boy band" (consisting of 5 girls, obvs.) and performed two songs in their entirety, "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys and "Bye Bye Bye" by *NSync. We named our boy band "Back 'NSync" (get it?). IWITW really didn't have too much choreography, it more about the emoting via lip synching and amazing hand gestures (and all of us trying not to laugh too much). B^3 however was much more involved and we tried to learn all of the choreography to the song. It was amazing, and I almost ruined it twice during the performance (which was ironic, because I spent all week promising everyone that I would not be the "rhythmless nation" they so thought I would be). I used to have photos of this but I deleted them all so the videos will be up soon.
8. My friends and I participated in a taping of the show Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
So this is one of those "you guys, this is gonna ROCK!" kinda moments, and then it turns out to be terrible. For those who don't know Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) was a Japanese show that aired a few years ago on Spike! with crazy English dubs. It's like a live action video game. Is it still on? Does anyone know? It's such a crazy show, and we used to DVR it we loved it so much.
Then we found out that they were going to be shooting a college version in Orlando at Universal Studios, and were casting at school. So myself and a few other friends showed up, waited out in the heat for hours, and finally auditioned by running this retarded obstacle course. Somehow, we were all asked to go to the taping.
The night before the taping, we went out and my dumb ass got so drunk that I was horrendously hung over the next morning. We had to leave horribly early and I remember lying on my bed, moaning, "you guys go, leave me here to die" to my friends who were like, "seriously, Carly? we have to go." Finally they got me out of the apartment. And yes, I did feel like I was going to die. I should also mention that we spent several days putting together several ridiculous costumes each. Thrift stores are amazing for this sort of thing. One of my costumes was entirely silver, including my silver tennis shoes. One of Joseph's costumes was a Japanese school girl (remember that, it will come into play again later). I really don't remember any of our other costumes and I'm kinda bummed that none of us have any pictures. I think there were jumpsuits involved, though.
Anyway so we were there and shooting outside of the building that I ended up working in several years later (how odd). Our first competition was to run across this like, swimming pool-sized lake by stepping on these floating stone things, but some of them wouldn't hold our weight and we would fall. So if you could make it across you won, but if not, you lost. Most people didn't make it across. I don't think that any of my friends did either. It was maybe 30 minutes until my turn for this when my hangover subsided and my fear of whatever ungodly thing I had somehow signed myself up for kicked in. I totally wanted to leave, like immediately. But then it was my turn.
Remember I'm wearing a silver outfit. A stretchy silver shirt (like a frat-boy-dude-bro would have worn out in the late 90s), a silver cape (I think that was from Joseph's Drag Drawer), and these silver pants. They were like, plastic, and I called them "sauna pants" because they made my legs sweat like nothing I had ever experienced before. These were the pants you'd wear when you wanted to lose 5 pounds in 5 minutes by running on a treadmill. Anyway so it's my turn and I go running across this thing like a banshee and I actually thought I was going to make it across. I remember thinking to myself, "oh my God I'm going to make it" and then right as I hit like, the 3/4 mark, I faceplanted into the water. The water was freezing and I think I went into shock. I could barely get out of the water because it was basically a large hole in the ground and there was mud along side from all of the kids who had gone before me.
So I sorta had to like, roll myself out, in shock and weighing a ton because my crazy outfit was retaining water. Then, a new sensation. I realized that the impact of my fall had split my sauna pants right up the middle. I shit you not. So I had to somehow get out of the water and not let my destroyed pants fall off. After we changed and I tried not to be mortified, we realized that Joseph was the only one was enthusiastic at all, the rest of us wanted to go home. We cuddled together on these weird couches near craft services while Joseph kept on with it, participating in the other events. He got to do this thing where you had to run across a rotating cylinder and not fall off. I was like, "no thank you."
Shockingly, none of my footage made the show. But's Joseph did! He was the only one of my friends who did, dressed as a Japanese school girl. I actually have that episode saved on my DVR in Orlando and I have to remember to copy it to a tape or something when I am down there in June.
Ok that's all for now, check back for the next installment.
Labels: college, high school, jane, joseph, life, lists, stupid things i do
posted by carlytron @ 4:21 AM, , links to this post
Thursday, May 24, 2007
wherefore art thou, sleepytime tea?
i drank my sleepytime tea and i am NOT SLEEPING. what gives?
i have to get up in about 5 hours but here is a really exciting announcement ... COMING SOON! the long-awaited (by me) redesign of our domain, imaginaryselves.com. i own this with my best friend Jane (buy her shit NOW) and the picture on the main page is several years old. we finally have new ones so I can redesign and update the site, plus actually post fun stuff on there, including (but not limited to):
- our delightful reviews of movies that no one would ever want to sit through
- our embarassing videos (most are from high school, so ... yeah)
- our brilliance (e.g. treatments for movies we'd like made, like both of our baby-sitters club films)
posted by carlytron @ 1:11 AM, , links to this post
the best laid plans
"but jimmy had fancy plans ... and pants to match." - newsradio (from one of my favorite episodes of any tv show ever)
i used to like surprises, was very spontaneous, didn't want relationships, just wanted to have fun. eventually i grew up, thank goodness. evolved a bit, if you will. i never believed in much, but now i've come to realize that i am in fact a hopeless romantic. i believe in big gestures, love, all that crap.
if you told me last year what 2007 would hold for me, i would have laughed in your face, rolled my eyes, and walked away. i had plans, and i knew what i wanted. now my life isn't my life anymore. i thought i could claim my new life as my own but ... i don't even know if i want this. i need a new plan but i don't want to let go of the old one.
[i'm hoping to see my old therapist sometime soon and i'm really excited about that, actually. usually i can get through things on my own, but i think i might need an objective ear. i was depressed a few months ago during Totally Not Awesome Unemployment Time but then I came here and felt better, had a job, etc. now i feel it coming back so it might be time to talk. then i can stop dumping crap like this on these interwebs.]
one day at a time. as my mother always says, "this too shall pass."
Labels: life
posted by carlytron @ 12:50 AM, , links to this post
Monday, May 21, 2007
ouch.
according to my statcounter i might actually have some readers? maybe? anyway, i'm going to use this more, i'm really making an effort. i'm just such a lazy fuck sometimes.
today i tripped and fell in such a glorious way as to not only propel my body a good 5 feet or so but as to somehow bruise myself in the worst way possible. by morning i will have the most ridiculous, painful, godawful-looking bruise on my ass ... more specifically, where my thigh and my ass meet. so, it hurts to sit, walk, stand, or lay (lie? you know, for a self-proclaimed gramma nazi, i really should figure that one out already) on my back. a perfectly awful end to a perfectly awful day.
if i actually make it out of bed tomorrow i will go and purchase the ingredients for jackie warner's famous protein shake, because I Will Do Whatever Jackie Tells Me.
god, i need a job. like right now. i can't wait until august to start working again. good lord.
Labels: girls, life, stupid things i do
posted by carlytron @ 11:58 PM, , links to this post
Saturday, May 19, 2007
what i am listening to, 5.19.07
in an effort to remember to write on here more, i'm going to make myself write lists from time to time. lists are easier than ... actually writing anything substantial. moving on ...
what I am listening to right now: albums
- Björk - Volta
- The Rakes - Ten New Messages
- Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
- Tracey Thorn - Out of the Woods
- Cold War Kids - Robbers & Cowards
- Ed Banger Records - Ed Rec Vols. 1 & 2
- Feist - The Reminder
- Exposé - all 3 albums cause they are awesome
- Young Love - Too Young To Fight It
what I am listening to right now: songs
- Uffie - Pop The Glock
- Salt 'n' Pepa - Do You Really Want Me?
- Bloc Party - Hunting For Witches (RAC Remix)
- Timbaland - Laff At 'Em (feat. Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake)
- Matt and Kim - Yeah Yeah (Flosstradamus remix)
- The Presets - Cookie
- Rihanna - Umbrella (feat. Jay-Z)
- Depeche Mode - Halo
- Death From Above 1979 - Blood On Our Hands (Justice remix)
- Bon Jovi - Runaway
- !!! - Heart of Hearts
- Editors - All Sparks (Phones remix)
- The Faint - The Conductor (Joy Electric remix)
- The Knife - We Share Our Mothers' Health
- Mika - Lollipop
what I will be listening to in the near future: albums
- The Shins - Wincing the Night Away
- Justice - †
- Electrelane - No Shouts, No Calls
- Shout Out Louds - Our Ill Wills
- Phoenix - It's Never Been Like That
- !!! - Myth Takes
- Apparat and Ellen Allien - Orchestra of Bubbles
- CSS - S/T
- Electric Six - Switzerland
- We Are Scientists - With Love and Squalor
posted by carlytron @ 2:28 PM, , links to this post
Thursday, May 17, 2007
all sparks will burn out in the end
lessons learned:
- so, ok, one day you wake up and you're a grown-up! whaa!? how does that happen?
- nyc isn't as difficult to navigate as i thought.
- life goes on, whether you are there or not.
- in most ways you are replaceable. what a thing to digest.
Labels: life
posted by carlytron @ 11:09 PM, , links to this post
