Thursday, May 24, 2007
the best laid plans
"but jimmy had fancy plans ... and pants to match." - newsradio (from one of my favorite episodes of any tv show ever)
i used to like surprises, was very spontaneous, didn't want relationships, just wanted to have fun. eventually i grew up, thank goodness. evolved a bit, if you will. i never believed in much, but now i've come to realize that i am in fact a hopeless romantic. i believe in big gestures, love, all that crap.
if you told me last year what 2007 would hold for me, i would have laughed in your face, rolled my eyes, and walked away. i had plans, and i knew what i wanted. now my life isn't my life anymore. i thought i could claim my new life as my own but ... i don't even know if i want this. i need a new plan but i don't want to let go of the old one.
[i'm hoping to see my old therapist sometime soon and i'm really excited about that, actually. usually i can get through things on my own, but i think i might need an objective ear. i was depressed a few months ago during Totally Not Awesome Unemployment Time but then I came here and felt better, had a job, etc. now i feel it coming back so it might be time to talk. then i can stop dumping crap like this on these interwebs.]
one day at a time. as my mother always says, "this too shall pass."
Labels: life
posted by carlytron @ 12:50 AM,
11 Comments:
- At 5/24/2007 8:32 PM, Crystal said...
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For what it's worth - I think it takes a lot of guts just to start again. As terrifying as it is to deviate from the grand plan, sometimes the freedom you gain from doing so leads you down a path that you wouldn't otherwise have found, and it's sometimes a better path. I don't know if this is makes sense, or if it is relevant, but hey.
- At 5/25/2007 9:44 PM, carlytron said...
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no that totally makes sense. i'm usually one of those people who can find something positive in a crappy situation. usually whenever my life takes a turn for the unexpected i am usually optimistic that something really new and exciting will happen and i'll be happy. i'm sure this will be the case now, it's just gonna take time to believe it. but i do believe that things happen for a reason, so yeah.
- At 5/26/2007 1:59 AM, riese said...
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i think sometimes....it's feeling shitty all over again takes on more gravity when you've been sad in the past. Like "omg, not this again, jesus, will it ever end?!!" and then the sadness becomes even sadder, because it includes anger and frustration over being sad, as well as the sadness itself.
maybe.
I also believe everything happens for a reason.
Though lately...that's been really hard to see. - At 5/26/2007 2:49 AM, carlytron said...
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compound sadness. that happens to me a lot. if i feel myself getting depressed (i'm so awesome that i don't even need a legitimate reason sometimes! the people around me really love those weeks), not only am i depressed because i'm depressed, but i'm also depressed cause 'dammit i'm depressed again, i know how this is going to feel, and i do not like it.'
so, word. and, word:
Though lately...that's been really hard to see.
i have too many things going on that i keep dwelling on and it's just ... never been like this before. compound sadness, 2nd meaning? i'm usually fine at getting through things on my own -- and can even justify being 'in pain' by reminding myself that i need it to give meaning to life, happiness, whatthefuckever (you can convince yourself of anything in a crisis, yeah?) -- but this time it just feels like way, way too much.
but if one were, say, crafting a lesbian sitcom (dramedy?) it could be a lovely plot device. - At 5/26/2007 12:14 PM, riese said...
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word-to-the-nth degree..
Compound sadness: totes.
The fact that I'm writing a memoir is sometimes the only thing that saves me...e.g.:
"Well, this is the worst I've felt since 1995, but this'll be AWESOME for the book!"
I'm also so awesome that I don't need a reason to be sad a lot of the time...which's why when there are actual reasons, I'm like WTF? How can I handle this on top of the "absolutely nothing" that's already weighing on my mind?
And in general..sadness/depression--as you said--has never bothered me so much. Like, I'm used to it, I'm still functional, I'm comfortable with it, it makes the good parts more good, there's sunshine in the clouds, this too shall pass, etc.
But in that moment when it's all feeling like that, it's hard to think that any future moment will be any different than the one you're in, even when all past experience in "life" has suggested otherwise.
And I've got so much to be happy for..I'm not in Darfur, etc...but like. SIGH. f'in sigh.
sigh.
I'm gonna go to the gym and run three miles now. Usually that works. A little. YEAY!!!Channel Dana Fairbanks. etc. before she died. obvs.
P.S. Did you see the Baby-Sitters Club movie?
P.P.S. I'm gonna try to find this sitcom thingie later today. - At 5/26/2007 12:24 PM, carlytron said...
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i hate when i make myself feel guilty about being sad/depressed/etc. by comparing my lame drama to real drama/problems in the world, i.e. warn-torn regions, actual poverty, you know ... real problems. then i feel so, so lame. but it's all relative, my problems aren't nonexistant just because there are bigger problems out there.
i'm going to go work out for two hours and get my hair cut. if that doesn't help, nothing will. they really need to bring Dana back, even if it's contrived, I can look past that.
Jane bought me the BSC movie years ago. she also once wrote 2-page essay entitled "Why Mallory's Gay," which was not for an assignment of any kind, just for me. It proved -- using examples only from the movie -- why Mallory is gay. Because an essay entitled "Why Kristy's Gay" would've been extremely redundant. We have writted a few screenplays (well, treatments of screenplays, parts of screenplays) where we modernized the BSC and in all of them Mallory is obsessed with Kristy, who is a dig ol' byke. All we need is the rights from Ann M. Martin and we're set. P.S. did you know Ms. Martin was a lesbian? i had noooo idea! - At 5/26/2007 3:11 PM, riese said...
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Totes agreed, re: ppl are starving, getting killed, you're lucky, etc....
Because our feelings are always directly related to our expectations which's related directly to our culture, and to the people around us. It does make me feel better to compare myself to friends who are in worse situations, but I've never gotten any actual comfort from watching the nightly news. Hmm....I do feel better actually sometimes to see people on the news if they are people like me, going through shitty stuff. Or something.
I just realized that I have, on more than one occasion, felt comforted by comparing my situation to that of a cast member of MTV's 'The Real World' or even like "Gawd, at least my breakup's not as bad as Alice's. She's really not doing so well. Sheesh."
You're so right about Mallory/Kristy. You know who would've been a likely suspect to come out totally out of the blue in like, her last year of college? Mary Ann. Also I think Stacey's bi. I wanna see the essay.
There's this YA novel called "Shockproof Sydney Skate," that when I read it, was like "this would be the best TV show ever." Then J-Nads looked it up and discovered John Hughes has been milking the rights and doing nothing about it for ten years.
So I ran like, a mile? And then did some elliptical. I feel about .05% better I think, maybe?
Lets get some Final Draft going on, yeah?
I can't believe Ann Martin is gay. We should start a website called AnnMartinisgay.com. Just cause that would be a cool URL.
My haircut did make me feel better a little. Yours will too. - At 5/26/2007 3:14 PM, riese said...
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this's why it's good that my comment just went up and wasn't moderated, because then i can see it and say: i'd like to clarify paragraph #1 to say:
Totes agreed, re: ppl are starving, getting killed, you're lucky, etc....like, ok, that sucks and stuff. Boo, starving.. But I still feel bad about my life anyhow. And, coincidentally, I am also hungry right now, what should I eat?. - At 5/26/2007 5:59 PM, carlytron said...
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so I did a mile and a half on the elliptical, arms and abs, and got a rockin' haircut. definitely feeling better. and i agree about stacey and mary anne.
watching the news does nothing for me ever, i really don't like the news usually. watching people's misery on reality shows really is the best though. always helps.
let's get some final draft on for reals. we should have a business meeting? ill send you some stuff, if you want. you know what i want the rights to? "valencia" by michelle tea. that would be a killer series or film.
you should eat sushi, because i had some last night and i am still craving it today. - At 5/26/2007 9:58 PM, riese said...
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I read "The Chelsea Whistle." I bet Michelle Tea would charge like, 1,000 dollars for the rights. The house she publishes with doesn't give big advances, so seriously, it wouldn't be hard to get...
totes business meeting. maybe we should move this convo to email?
I seem to recall a post with photographs from prom which has now gone away. I was going to post this complaint on the post about Ceasar but I didn't want to make him feel bad about his lovely photographs, so I figured I'd just add it to this thread.
yay re:haircut, gym.
I think I could stay on the elliptical trainer for my whole life and be pleased as punch.
I love it like whoa. - At 5/26/2007 10:40 PM, carlytron said...
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michelle tea autographed my copy of valencia which makes me awesome and maybe makes it easier to get the rights to it? transitive property? no?
i don't really like any cardio except for sports, so the elliptical trainer is about all i can take. the gym i go to now has little tvs on each cardio machine so in the past few weeks i have been able to watch the following at the gym: top model (season 2), shear genius, the colbert report, and heroes. i forget what else i have watched.
email sounds good, mine's on my blogger profile. actually, scratch that, gmail is too obnoxious and i really only use that address to keep potential employers from figuring out that i'm crazy in real life. go with cmu10 at yahoo.
the prom post is on its way back. turns out it's not so easy to think of more things that amount to funny stories about my ridiculous life.
